Saturday, September 26, 2015
The One Who Cares the Least
You've heard the saying. "The one who cares the least, holds the power in the relationship."
It's inevitable. The less you give, the more you get from the other person. It's a total mystery, and it is heart-wrenching.
So let's picture two people in a relationship. Person A gives it their all. Does the majority of the communicating, the bending, the sacrificing, the loving. Person B does not reciprocate. Person B drifts through the relationship, along for the ride, without a care in the world. Or maybe they do care. Maybe they care so much. Just not enough.
Guess who gets the glory here?
Yeah, Person B.
So my question is WHY?! Why are you being praised for caring least? Why do you have the pleasure of being able to run and brag to your friends about how "obsessed" this woman or man is with you? This other person.. this person who is giving it their all.. is made out to look like they are doing the wrong thing in a relationship. And for what? For loving you with all they have? For diving in headfirst and falling for you like gravity has let go of the earth? I'm sorry, but what did you want in a relationship again?
This subject hits close to home for me because I'm always the one who gives too much. I'm the person who tries too hard and cares more than the person I'm dating. Some of you reading this are just like me. You give it your all and get scraps in return. You are put second. You are the instigator of most hugs and kisses. You are the forgotten text message or phone call. You are the one who gets the "I love you too," but never the initial "I love you." You are the changed plan when something better comes along. You get nothing in return, but still, you give. So much more than they deserve. Some of you reading this are the opposite. You scoff and think "They are doing it all wrong. They should put in less effort and it'll work out better." Less effort. In my relationships. My potential marriage. You are saying I should give.. less? Seems pretty absurd to me. If you're this person, you shouldn't feel prideful. You should not feel like you have won. You should not feel like your significant other is a doormat and you are in full control. You should not be able to tell your friends that your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife puts in too much effort, and make a joke out of it. The truth is, you're a coward. If you are not crazy, and I mean absolutely crazy about who you love, then I beg you, either find a way to be crazy about them or throw them away. That person you are withholding effort from is too full of life to be half loved, and they deserve better.
If you are the person who cares the most, you are not the problem. My heart hurts for you because I am you. I have always been just like you, and I have been embarrassed by it. Do not hold back your capabilities in a relationship because the person you've chosen to be with thinks it's too much. Find a new relationship and a new person that doesn't make it feel like your effort is too much. The problem is not how intensely you love other people. The problem lies within the people you choose to love. They are unbending. They are selfish and ruthless. Stop trying to give more in hopes that it will break down their concrete walls. They will not miraculously wake up one morning and decide to appreciate you, and reciprocate your efforts. Or when they do, you'll be long gone by then, in the arms of someone who cares.. someone who really cares. Never be ashamed of yourself for giving it your all and loving someone beyond what is "reasonable." You should not have to care less to make someone care more. You need to feel like you're needed by the other human being you're dedicating your time to. Trust me.
Remember that God loves you more in one moment than anyone else could in a lifetime. He puts in the majority of effort in your relationship, and it's not such a bad thing, is it?
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." -John 15:12
"And if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me" -W.H. Auden